


i only turn my skin; you are already under it

by everystarfall



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-22
Updated: 2011-10-22
Packaged: 2017-10-24 21:01:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/267847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everystarfall/pseuds/everystarfall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marauders' era Remus/Sirius. Nothing much occurs.</p><p>This is unfinished and will very likely remain so. Posted is the entirety of what I wrote.</p><p>IT IS UNFINISHED.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> O readers. This is an unfinished Remus/Sirius fic I started in the summer of 2006. It is the first fanfic I ever seriously worked on. It is unbeta'ed, unfinished, unBrit-picked, and I lost my notes for how the rest of it was meant to go. It has been sitting in a notebook (because I wrote it out by hand. In a made-up alphabet.) for the past 5 years, and I figured, well, since it's not the worst piece of writing out there, at least I could put it somewhere. I make no claims as to any accuracy or inaccuracy to canon - I confess I don't remember what the canon was at that point. Oh, and the Britishisms? Are likely horrendous. My apologies.

_The world is full of obvious things, which nobody ever observes._  
\- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

It was, like so many of Remus' thoughts, a simple, objective observation: Sirius Black is handsome. It was not obsequiousness, like he might expect from Peter; nor was it a fraternal assurance, like he might hear from James. It was a rational rumination. Remus was used to - no, he was _meant_ to make such observations - he was the scholar of the group. He was not the smartest - no, not brilliant like James and Sirius, before whom all things magical, academic, athletic, and social lay down, eager to be used. James often mentioned that he had only to look at his tissue box and it would transfigure into a turtle. Of course, they all knew better - James had spent an afternoon practicing before their next class until the tissue box, at the subtlest movement of his wand, sported a tough shell and a snappy disposition. None of their classmates were taken in by his boast, either. But they never got angry with him for saying as much - James was always the first in hte class to get spells to work in Transfiguration.

It was fortunate, for Peter needed all the help he could get in order to effect his Animagus transformation. James and Sirius took turns staying up late with him, practicing spells, helping him build skills, memory, and confidence until Peter could become Wormtail without someone literally or figuratively holding his hand. If James and Sirius were superheroes, Peter would be the sidekick. He was not as smart or as fast or as witty or as charming. People would not laugh at Peter's jokes, like they would James'. People would not do practically anything Peter asked, like they would for Sirius.

Sirius' charm was so powerful he could use it like a weapon. Even James would stop any mischief he was enjoying as soon as Sirius asked. It was only because Sirius was often laughing too hard - leaning on James' shoulder, tears of mirth leaking from his eyes from whatever prank they'd just pulled - to turn on his charm and get out of every detention he rightly earned. This was one reason that everyone liked him. The other reason was that he was handsome. All the girls sighed and smiled when he passed. All the boys were by turns envious and loyal. And they loved him more because Sirius hardly seemed to notice. He was beautiful - athletic build, long shiny black hair, smooth pale skin - but gave the impression that his elegance was achieved through carelessness. He was clever, but never seemed to work at it. He was arrogant, but then, everyone agreed that it was acceptable - anyone that beautiful was entitled to think he was the center of attention; it was often true.

**

Remus had made his observation after the last full moon. The night had been blissfully clear and bright. It was too cold for late night wanderers, so the four creatures - for that's what they were at Full Moon, Remus reminded himself - had roamed even further than ever - deep into the Forest and all through Hogsmeade. There had been a stillness in the air that gave the impression that the four of them were the only ones alive on Earth - wolf and rat and stag and dog - alone together, free and wild, as long as the night would last.

But eventually the moon went down, and they flopped about, exhausted and giddy in the Shrieking Shack. Remus had spent the whole next day in bed, until Sirius, James, and Peter burst into their dorm room late in the afternoon to collect him for dinner. They had been outside, and it had been a perfect March day, by the looks of it: Peter had a pink nose from the sun, and James' hair stuck out more than usual. Sirius was leading the way, his face flushed and grey eyes bright. He swept into the room, looking somehow simultaneously untamed and refined, dark hair carelessly falling into his eyes.

 _Sirius Black is handsome_ came the thought, unbidden, like a Bludger to Remus' chest.

"That was the best full moon we've had in ages, mate," Sirius was saying, hanging on Remus' bedpost and smiling at him. "What're we going to do once we leave Hogwarts? I'll be bored out of my skull without our adventures."

"That's only because you don't enjoy normal pastimes like... chess or reading," laughed James.

"Yeah, you could start playing gobstones with me," suggested Peter earnestly. Sirius gave him a skeptical look and helped James haul Remus out of bed.

"Don't worry, Pete, I'm sure Sirius will find plenty of adventures, even without us."

"What?" Remus had lost track of the conversation. The others were laughing. He shook himself. _It's merely an observation. And it's certainly not as if I'm the only one who's ever thought so_. He tried to focus instead on how hungry he was.

"You alright, Moony?" asked James as they headed downstairs.

"Yeah, just thinking."

** ** **


	2. breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see first chapter for notes, please.

A rare letter from Remus' mother arrived several days later as breakfast was ending. She had been busy networking among her magic friends and he Muggle relatives, trying to find Remus a place to live and a job. Remus had been set on moving to London after Hogwarts, but it was expensive to live there, and he knew finding a job could be difficult. He had to add his name to the Werewolf Registry, and it was unlikely anyone in the Wizarding world would be as understanding as the headmaster had been. Remus' mother had decided that her son should look for a Muggle job, and she would convince a Wizarding friend to rent him a room, so he could live in London. Barring that, she could always prevail upon her relatives. Remus hoped it wouldn't come to this; he was afraid to live completely as a Muggle; even though he was part-Muggle by birth, he never felt he was ever really one of them. His cousins certainly had made that clear, varying between chasing him around the garden and locking him in the shed to ignoring him completely, until Remus had begged his mother to either let him carry his wand or stay home with his father and clear horklumps out of the shrubbery when there was a family reunion.

True, Remus was an outcast in the Wizarding world, but for twenty-seven out of twenty-eight days, at least he was still one of them. As much as he enjoyed Sherlock Holmes, the Beatles, and films by Akira Kurosawa, he would never be a Muggle.

Remus was so entrenched in his mother's letter, reading with quiet anxiety about a peculiar Muggle bookshop around the corner from the Leaky Cauldron that specialized in books on mythology and magical history, that he didn't hear James hissing his name from across the table. He felt someone kick his leg; James was staring, hazel eyes wide behind his glasses, Daily Prophet limp in his hands. Peter looked like a startled mooncalf. Directly across from him, Remus saw Regulus Black standing next to Sirius, both of them looking a little confused as to why he was there.

"Can I speak with you please, over there?" Regulus jerked his head toward the nearest window. James had narrowed his eyes. Regulus and Sirius generally pretended they didn't know each other; any conversation between them usually resulted in a spectacular prank either on or by the Marauders. Remus looked around quickly. The other Slytherins who generally participated in these acts of hooliganism were either still eating or already gone to class. Sirius was still sitting, just looking at his brother. Regulus actually wrung his hands. "Russ, please." Sirius got up immediately and followed Regulus to the window. James let out a low whistle.

"What is that about?" asked Peter, sounding dazed.

"I wonder," said James, turning around to watch them.

"What did Regulus call him?" asked Lily from James' other side, not seeming to mind that James was ignoring her.

"'Russ,' I think. Sirius said it's what Regulus called him when he was little, because he couldn't pronounce 'Sirius.' I haven't heard him say it since we were third years," Remus explained, struggling to reconcile his varying memories of Regulus. For the past year, since Sirius had left his parents' house in the summer, the brother had scrupulously avoided each other. When forced to meet, there was exchanged nothing more than 'Blood Traitor' from Regulus and a growl from Sirius. Prior to this there had been some years of mainly Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry, tempered by an occasional terse encounter to discuss who was buying which of the cousins what for Christmas, or the even rarer note sent over dinner asking if Sirius had accidentally packed Regulus' green jumper when they came back from holiday. The article in questions was delivered by owl the next morning, charmed orange and blinking "Slytherin are gits" in bright pink.

So it was hard for Remus to remember Regulus' first two years at Hogwarts, when he was a quiet, friendless boy with dark, hooded eyes who would wait tearfully for Sirius outside Great Hall before breakfast, seeking comfort from his frequent nightmares. Sirius would grumble and complain, but would attend Regulus without hesitation when addressed by his childhood nickname. Once Regulus had adjusted a bit and the other, older Slytherins realized how skilled he was at jinxes, his nightmares and the brothers' fragile relationship seemed to end. Remus wondered what would affect Regulus such that he would seek Sirius out again.

The table was silent as Sirius came back, glancing at Regulus who was headed back to the Slytherin table. "What?" Sirius asked, sliding into his seat. "Can't a man talk to his brother anymore?" He sounded as if he scarcely believed what had just happened, himself. James looked hurt - _he_ was Sirius' brother now. Sirius sighed. "Sorry, just a bit strange. I was pretty sure we'd never speak again, after the family banded together to disown me. D'you know Reg actually apt in my eye?" He included Peter and Remus now, turning away from James and speaking up. "I didn't know people really did that. I didn't know you _could_ do that."

"What happened?" Peter blurted out, as an owl swooped down and deposited a late letter into Sirius' unfinished porridge.

"This will be from Andromeda, then," Sirius said to himself, shaking soggy oats onto the table. Ignoring peter, Sirius scanned the letter, chewing on his lip. Remus was holding his breath, staring at the worry lines on Sirius' usually smooth forehead. "Guess the little bugger was telling the truth," Sirius remarked loudly, causing several people to jump. He passed the letter to James. "My Uncle Alphard snuffed it and left me a load of money. Guess I can buy that motorbike after all, eh mate?" He elbowed James.

"Sirius, I'm so sorry," said Lily, managing to sound sincere in spite of Sirius' casual remarks. James finished the letter and offered it to Remus and Peter.

"Thanks," said Sirius quietly. "The family was pretty upset - mostly about his leaving _me_ the money, I think. Though, Regulus was always fond of Uncle Alphie - he used to spend hours telling stories of his encounters and heroic escapes from manticores, nundus, and Chinese fireballs. Regulus loved it. Didn't matter to him that the barmy codger'd never set foot outside Britain. He was good at making up stories."

James and Lily had been having a silent conversation while Sirius had been speaking; James gave Lily a polite kiss and turned to Sirius. "C/mon, mate, I've got a box of sugar quills and a flask of mead that says you can't get Snivellus to melt his cauldron and turn all the desks in Sluggy's room yellow."

Sirius laughed. "And here I thought you were trying to challenge me!" They hurried off; Lily followed with some of her girl friends, and Remus gulped down the last of his pumpkin juice and meandered casually with Peter out of the hall. They each held a side of Andromeda's letter so Peter could read it. Remus steered them through the crowd, thinking of Sirius and wondering what - aside from how to make the contents of a melted cauldron turn surfaces yellow - Sirius was thinking now. He almost didn't hear the low "Hey" snarled by his shoulder. Regulus had caught up to them and was eying the letter held between the two Gryffindors.

"Keep your muddy nose out of our business," he said to Remus. Feeling he should respond, Remus offered, "I was sorry to hear about your uncle, Regulus."

"We weren't having a conversation, halfbreed," sneered Regulus, who had started to turn away when Remus had spoken. Remus saw rather than heard Regulus mutter something under his breath, and was about to ask him to repeat it when he realized that his mouth had grown stuck as if it had been filled with cement. He rolled his eyes and dragged a bewildered Peter after him to the nearest empty classroom, where Peter could perform the countercurse - he hoped - and remus could find it in himself to be sufficiently threatening to keep Peter from running off and telling James and Sirius about this incident. The two of them would be going to great trouble today to keep Sirius' spirits up - he had a tendency to mope if he was left to dwell on sad thoughts - and Remus didn't want to remind Sirius what bloody prats he was related to - it would just make the loss of a rare decent Black that much harder to bear. Besides, Remus reasoned grimly, there would be plenty of time later to jinx Regulus, when Regulus wasn't grieving and had gone back to being nasty to all of them, and not just him.

** ** **


	3. dorm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> see first chapter for notes

"And how, exactly, am I meant to help you with your Care of Magical Creatures essay, when I'm not taking the class?" Remus snapped loudly. Several younger Gryffindors glanced nervously around. Lily gave him a quizzical look from across the common room. Remus put a hand to his head and closed his eyes. Why was he being so mean? Peter always asked for help with his homework, even when he didn't need it, and Remus was fairly certain that, whatever the topic of the essay was, he didn't need to be taking the class to help Peter with it. He sighed.

"I'm sorry, Peter. Just feeling irritable, I guess." He laughed without humor and waited for the obligatory joke about it being 'that time of the month,' even though it wasn't. None came. Peter was looking at his watch.

"Sluggy'll let'em out soon, I think," he said, waiting for confirmation.

"Yeah," Remus muttered, wondering if the cause of his irritability was in any way related to the detention James and Sirius were presently serving for their equipment-melting, room-redecorating prank of the other day in Potions class. It turned out that whatever the substance was that oozed out of the remains of Snape's cauldron had the unfortunate side effect of burning skin. No one had been seriously injured; Snape, his desk partner Cypress, and Professor Slughorn had reported to the infirmary and left in almost the same minute good as new. But, as James was fond of saying, no good deed goes unpunished, and Sluggy had targeted the pranksters to clean all the mustard colored desks, in the usual detention style - without magic.

"You're right, Pete. Let's see about that essay. Worrying's not doing anyone any good," Remus continued. Peter visibly relaxed.

"Erm, well, it's about the classification of part-humans - we're meant to debate whether they should be Beasts or Beings, and why."

Remus chewed on the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood. "...and?"

"Well, there's the sphinx, which gets really violent and eats people-"

"Only those who aren't clever."

"...Yeah... and centaurs, well they're alright, but they're not very friendly, are they? And in ancient times they used to carry off maidens, you know."

"...So said the Greeks. Who also thought, amy I remind you, that all the Animagi who went around to women and seduced them were only one person. And a god." Remus couldn't decide whether he was trying to be pedantic or cold. Peter's eyes were very round.

"And wer- werewolves are- are normal most of the time, but dangerous other times."

"So?"

"So? So what?"

"So how do you think they should all be classified? And what about merpeople?"

"Erm, I... I guess I would say centaurs could be beings... I mean, except they chose to remain Beasts, didn't they? Same with merpeople?"

"What are you asking me, Peter?" Remus sighed.

"I, er, I just wanted to run my ideas by you... erm..."

"Fine then, continue."

"And, um, sphinxes... and... er... well creatures who can't, you know... help it... I mean, being... beast-like - " Peter paused to swallow several times. "Well i guess they should be in the Beast category. I mean, But I think... werewolves... they... erm... they should.. I mean, I wonder if they could be split, kind of... like when it's not full moon they're in the Being Division, and when it is they're in the Beast one? Because, really, that's how it is..." He trailed off, now very pale and looking as if he wished he hadn't started this conversation.

"Yes, well, that's quite reasonable of you, Pete. But you'll find it hard to separate werewolves like that." Remus glanced around and lowered his voice. "It's not as if we can separate ourselves from ourselves, you know? You can't just ignore part of you because you can't see it all the time; it's still there."

Peter, far from being intellectually stimulated, as Remus had intended, was quaking. There was no other word for it. "Do... d'you mean then that... you're ... you're really always the... the..." Peter's voice dropped so he was scarcely audible, " _monster_?"

Remus heard the word as if it had been shouted from the Astronomy Tower with the Sonorous charm. He was frantically scrambling for something to say that might wipe the look of horror off Peter's face when the portrait swung open abruptly and James and Sirius stumbled in, smelling vaguely of smoke and ammonia, and seeming very anxious to rid themselves of their clothing.

"That is the last time I agree to do a prank on Snivellus in that class, Prongs. that great grease spot nearly got my skin burned off because he was actually not utterly pants at potions. Ugh." Sirius made a disgusted face as jumper, tie, and shirt followed his robes to a pile on the floor. James had matched him and now the common room had gone silent. James fiddled with his hair and pointedly did not look at Lily. Sirius seemed completely oblivious - or used to - the scrutiny. Remus realized suddenly that he felt the way Peter looked. He cleared his throat, which had gone dry.

"Detention alright then?" he managed.

"Ruddy awful, it was. We had to use dragon's blood to get the yellow out, then ammonia to clean the blood, then soap and water for the ammonia. I tell you, that jumper's ruined forever and I've got burning sensations in some very delicate places."

"But it was worth it to see Snape melt his precious cauldron," prompted James.

"And now we know Sluggy's least favorite color," said Sirius, brightening. He began to pick up his discarded clothes, holding them at arm's length like a dead animal. "What're you all working on then?"

"Essay," said Remus.

"Classification of part-humans," Peter elaborated, back to his normal color. James made a noise indicating either confusion or surprise. Sirius looked from Peter to Remus and back again.

"Oh?" said Sirius in a high voice.

"I wanted to separate werewolves depending on what time of the month it was, but Moony wouldn't let me," Peter explained blithely. Remus got up.

"Please, feel free to not continue this conversation while I'm in hte loo," he said and stalked off. He could imagine James and Sirius taking Peter upstairs and explaining _again_ how it was at the least tactless of him to debate werewolves in the common room - not to mention refer to one of his best mates as a part-human monster. Tactless, indeed. Remus splashed water on his face and frowned at the marble sink. If it were true that you were always you, no matter what form or shape or curse was upon you - and Remus believed this, in spite of and because of... things - then somewhere deep down he was a terrible, inhuman monster. All the time. But wouldn't that also mean that he was still quiet, scholarly, chocolate-enthusiast Remus somewhere deep down when the moon was full, as well? He thought briefly of trying to find hidden Moony in the Wolf, then decided against it; it might cause the Wolf to appear in Moony. There was so much to lose when the moon was crooked and innocuous; more, he through grimly, than there was to gain when the moon was its monthly baleful eye.

Remus gave a resigned breath to the sink and turned back to the dorm. A thought struck him. Anyone could become a werewolf; did that mean that in everyone was hidden this deep dark beast? And was his curse not that he had this part of him, but that people could see it, and fear it, and use it to label and deny him the rights to humanity that he deserved because, bloody hell, he was the same as them, but for the fact he couldn't hide and pretend he wasn't a demon deep inside, even though in reality everyone was?

**

Remus thought the silence when he entered the room was because the others had had a row about him and Peter's essay. His three roommates were on the floor - James and Sirius' clothes were in a heap by the door, and they looked like they were on their way to the showers - James was in his pants and half his dressing gown, and Sirius had a towel around his waist. The tableau, Remus decided, was not indicative of a row. He spotted this morning's Daily Prophet - abandoned because of their late arrival at breakfast - open now on the floor like a shrine in front of them. Remus tried to ask what happened, but his breath had quickened faster than his mind, and it came out as a huff of air.

"Prewetts. Gideon and Fabian. Dead. Took five Death Eaters. Five. Can you imagine...?" James' voice was hollow; Remus knelt down to read the article, easing into the stillness that was the absence of acknowledged despair. The Prewett boys had been just finishing school when the four marauders had arrived, but they had been in Gryffindor as well. Remus shuddred to read the details. The Killing Curse wasn't meant to leave a mark, but they hadn't been taken by surprise, had they? They had fought, maybe for hours, outnumbered, curses flying - some probably silly but effective, like they used against Slytherins. Like the Stinging Hex, or Jelly-Legs. Others, more serious - the Cruciatus, certainly. Remus swallowed. Had they known they were going to die? Had they been afraid? Why had they been so outnumbered? And the Death Eaters laughed as they were fighting? Had there been sniggering at the Slytherin table this morning? So many had brothers or fathers or cousins who might have been... could have been... standing against the Prewetts, calmly registering their panic, their pain, their terror, then laughing, laughing-

"Moony?" James and Sirius each had a hand on his shoulders. Remus realized he was standing again and breathing very quickly. The room slid back into focus. Suddenly he was no longer sad, just cold and tired and sick.

"There, Wormtail, you see?" he choked. Sirius squeezed his shoulder. Remus retched, clamped a hand over his mouth, swallowed, swallowed. "You don't need fur or hooves or a tail to be a monster." He closed his eyes and sank to the floor, waving away the supportive hands. "Put that in your essay."

** ** **


	4. class

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see first chapter for notes

"You alright, mate? I mean, about the Prewetts and all," Sirius whispered to Remus the next morning in History of Magic. "You gave us a bit of a scare."

"I scared Peter," said Remus, glancing over to where Peter was earnestly telling James something while James was trying to pay attention to both him and Lily. Sirius waved his hand.

"Wormtail's paranoid by nature. He also has a short memory."

"I was just tired, and worried. I shouldn't have waited up so late."

"What, and miss our grand entrance? Several first years fainted, you know."

"From terror, no doubt."

"Oh, shut it. Sure you're okay?"

"Yes, Pads, thanks. I'll try to stick to one outburst a month from now own. Status quo, like."

"Moony, sometimes you are so exasperating. We don't want you to never... have emotions... or even just once a month... that's not what I meant. It's just, we, I... we wanted to be sure you're... okay."

Remus nodded heavily, wondering how Sirius had gotten the short straw. James usually did the talking. "I'm okay."

"In fact," Sirius continued, "maybe you _should_ let go more often... maybe then the once a month wouldn't be so bad." He cery lightly traced a scar on Remus' forearm with the tip of his finger. Remus started and automatically put his other hand over the scar, hunching in. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Sirius regarding him intently.

"Safer, I think, just to keep to how it is; I like being quiet and sensible. Who'd manage you lot if I weren't being reasonable?"

"Pfff," Sirius snorted, about to argue, then seemed to consider Remus a moment. "Alright then," he said quietly, resigned, then brightened as a crudely folded scrap of parchment fluttered onto their desk. "Ah, a note from Prongs." Remus took a breath and leaned over in interest. Anything to steer the topic away from himself.

" _Hogsmeade? Lily friends_ " was James' note. Remus shook his head in confusion, but it appeared to make sense to Sirius, who was jutting out his chin and making motions with his hands to James, which seemed to indicate they would talk about it in Herbology.

**

"What has Lily got you to agree to, then?" asked Sirius as they headed to the greenhouses.

"A, erm, party, like, at the Three Broomsticks, to get to know each other's friends better."

"We've been at school together for seven years. Don't you think we all know each other by now?"

"Everyone knows you, Padfoot. You don't necessarily know them."

"I know what color everyone in our year's hair turns when you put Lucky Charms potion in their pumpkin juice. That's quite a personal detail, wouldn't you say?"

"Fine, Pads, for Wormtail and Moony's sakes, then. Besides, wouldn't you agree that, as a group, we are formidably unapproachable in out brilliance, beauty, and charm?"

"Some parts of the group more than others," Sirius retorted airily, but soon they were all laughing as they assembled around a table with some curious plants on it. As they set to their task of keeping their plants alive for the duration of the class, Remus opened his book and considered the observational skills of Lily Evans. True, they'd all been together at Hogwarts for a long time, but the Marauders had, from the beginning, been a close group. They'd each some friends on their own, but - at least Remus, for all that he was friendly, did not engage easily in conversation, and felt that many of his classmates mistook this shyness for conceit. Not that it was a stretch, considering the company he kept. In fact, the only person Remus considered a true friend outside their group was Lily.

"So we're hoping to set you up together so it won't be... you know..."

"What? You mean dates? Why?" Remus looked up from his book at James, who looked both smug and embarrassed.

"So he and Lily can go off and snog and not feel bad," supplied Peter, spraying one of the plants with a potion.

"I won't be offended," Remus replied automatically.

"Ah, Moony the monk. Afraid of the girls, are you?"

"Just the ones you set me up with, Padfoot. Clementine Jones, need I remind you?"

"What?" Sirius made a poor show of innocence as James and Peter dissolved into hysterics, knocking their plants over. "She was smashing at Care of Magical Creatures."

"Not to mention, eighteen, when I was fourteen. And insane."

"She was horny, not insane."

"She wanted me to have sex with a stupefied hippogriff. I barely escaped with my life, you wanker." Remus poked his plant angrily, though he could not suppress a grin, with his mates laughing so hard.

"You know it wasn't that bad, Moony. It was merely a suggestion. It's not as if she even cursed you or anything. And you got away without even having sex with her, which is more, we can probably say, than the hippogriff did." By this time Peter had fallen on the floor, wheezing, and James was wiping tears from his eyes, glasses in hand.

"Then everyone got their wish." Remus tried to sound more annoyed than he felt. It had been funny, after all. "Prongs, you're going to mangle that plant. Weren't we talking about Lily?"

"Right. Yes. So, Lily said that if you have someone to bring, that's fine - otherwise we'll do arranging, so...?"

"I think Kalliope will come with me if I ask her," Peter blurted. "She's a Hufflepuff, but we're on the Gobstones team together.

"Okay, one down. Pads?"

"Erm, seems like I've dated everyone worthwhile already. Unless, of course, Bianca's coming?"

James grinned and gave a little "ah" of discovery. Bianca Fell was a Ravenclaw, and considered to be the most exotically beautiful female at Hogwarts - the counterpart to Sirius. She had long black hair with a shock of white down one side. The rumor was that it had turned that way after Bianca had suffered some trauma, but no one was bold enough to ask her. It was a mystery on level with the location of the Chamber of Secrets as to why she and Sirius had never dated. Remus always assumed Sirius had been waiting till the end of their Hogwarts career for his romantic _coup de grace_. He'd been dating off and on since third year, a total of six girls, supposedly, and he'd hinted that he'd done "anything you might want to do" with some of them as well. Remus considered that Sirius had perhaps been practicing or experimenting before he got to Bianca. _That's a terrible thing to think about a friend_ he thought, and made a face at himself for being callous.

"What's that look for, Moony? You don't want me to have sex either?" Peter was red in the face. James and Sirius were laughing.

"Wormtail, what are you on about? I missed that last bit, I..." Remus indicated his plant, which was drooping.

"Oh. Padfoot said Hufflepuffs are all teases, so I'll never get any from Kallie. And I don't see why you're laughing," Peter added suddenly, rounding on James. For all you say, I still think Lily would rather floss with Snivellus' hair before she'd do anything with you."

There was a small silence in which James opened and closed his mouth like a dying fish. Remus could see that he was trying to decide between defending his own honor and that of Lily. He was surprised Peter hadn't known James and Lily had had sex. Of course, there had been no announcement, but there was one night after they'd gotten back from the Christmas holidays, when James hadn't come to the dorm. He had taken Sirius aside before breakfast the next day; Remus hadn't heard their whispered conversation, but it had ended with Sirius giving James a great grin and fraternal hug. James and Lily were shy around each other again, and blushed when they touched at the table, but they both had ridiculously blissful smiles. Remus wondered how Peter had missed this, but then, Peter wasn't the one to be making observations.

"Oh, leave off, Wormtail, you're just jealous," Sirius was saying.

"What else have I missed? Moony, you're not shagging, are you?"

"No."

"He just hasn't found the right book yet." Sirius yelped as Remus put dirt in his hair.

"He was traumatized by the hippogriff," suggested James.

"You've not even had a proper kiss, yet, have you?"

"Don't be a prat, Wormtail, of course I have. Several, in fact. Snogging, too. I just... don't reat them as lightly as you wankers."

"You don't tell us, you mean," said Sirius.

"Don't you want more?" pressed Peter, who was beginning to delight in being more experienced in something than Remus, as though this would buy him favor with James and Sirius.

Remus shrugged. "i guess. I try not to think about it. Hard to be intimate with someone while trying to keep straight a convincing story about wrestling giant mutant kneazles to explain the scars."

At that, Peter burst out laughing, leaning over and wheezing into their plant. He quickly turned red from the effort to breathe. James looked a little embarrassed. Sirius opted for a combo. "I'm sorry, Moony, shouldn't be laughing, but... s'just... giant mutant kneazles? Are you serious?"

"No, you are!" chimed in Peter, and set off laughing again.

"Well, let's hope I never have to use it for real."

"Oh, Moony-"

"Forget it," Remus avoided the suddenly sober and concerned looks. "Like I said, I don't much think on it."

They were quiet for the rest of class. Remus tried to forget the conversation, telling himself again that it didn't matter, he didn't concern himself over such things. As class ended, James put his arm around Lily and kissed the top of her head. She laid her head on his shoulder. Remus felt a pain in his chest and realized he was lying.

** ** **


	5. hogsmeade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see first chapter for notes

For all that they never got around to arranging dates for Lily's Hogsmeade party, it was to go on as planned, and even Remus' sincere concern over studying for NEWTs did not convince the others to let him stay behind. James even insisted no books. Therefore, Remus could barely contain a chuckle when Sirius found him on the bench outside Scrivenschaft's, deep into the adventures of Holmes and Watson.

"There you are, Moony, c'mon, we're dead late for James - " Sirius stared and narrowed his eyes. "I thought James said no books. He even searched your pockets."

"Peter searched my pockets. And I transfigured this into a scarf," Remus replied, indicating the book.

"You devious little bowtruckle." Sirius gave a huge grin and started to haul Remus off the bench. "C.mon, let's go tell Lily's girlfriends how naughty you are."

Remus stopped suddenly, halfway off the seat, causing Sirius to stumble. "Sirius..."

"Come off it, Moony, I'm just teasing. Besides, it won't hurt anyone if three more people hear even an inkling of how clever you are." Remus rolled his eyes, feeling Sirius was being facetious, but blushed anyway. He never got used to compliments from his peers, especially from Sirius, whose were the least common, yet the most sincere. "I mean it." Sirius shook his arm a little. "Now let's get over there before Peter runs out of things to say and it gets horribly awkward. Prongs is counting on us. And if you let me tease you in public I'll buy you a hot cocoa." Remus chuckled and allowed himself to be led off, no longer worrying about how horribly awkward this would be even if Peter still had topics to discuss. Remus wasn't anxious anymore. Sirius could do that.

**

Apprehension returned, however, as Remus collected his mug of chocolate and followed Sirius through the hazy pub to their uncertain fate. There were fewer people at the table than Remus had been expecting, but he wasn't sure if this was a relief or a concern. James and Lily were facing them as they approached. Next to Lily were two sixth years from the Gryffindor Quidditch team, Moira Murray and Kingsley Shacklebolt, then two of Lily's friends: Dorian Gide, who was on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, and Cymbeline Featherbridge, one of Lily's roommates. On James' other side were Kallie, Peter, an empty seat, and Bianca Fell. They all looked up at Sirius and Remus.

"Thistle couldn't come, unfortunately," Lily said, and Remus did not like the way she seemed to be talking directly to him.

"She's having a terrific row with her boyfriend at the Owl Office." Bianca smiled at Sirius.

"That's alright, Remus brought a book," Sirius grinned and slid next to Bianca, pulling Remus into the seat next to him.

"What? Peter, I thought you - "

"He did. It was transfigured into a scarf," Remus said quietly, feeling a little sheepish. But James gave a snort of delight at the cleverness. The rest of the table shared a slightly confused laugh and went back to their individual conversations.

As Sirius was talking to Bianca, Remus stared longingly at his book until Cymbeline abandoned the heated Quidditch debate to her right and turned towards him. " _The Hound of the Baskervilles_ ," she exclaimed. "I remember reading about that for a Divination project. Isn't it thought that the hound was really the Grim?"

"Yes, I've read that as well. But there are other theories of course."

"Oh? I'd love to hear about them." Cymbeline had turned towards him now, and Remus felt only a tiny bit awkward as he began what his friends would have called a lecture on magic in Sherlock Holmes. Cymbeline laughed when he said something finny and asked the right sorts of questions when he paused, though. He was only dimly aware when Moira and Kingsley got up to leave, delighting in the realization that social gathering could be surprisingly enjoyable - when suddenly he felt many eyes on him. Remus stopped talking and looked up. Cymbeline spun round in her seat and Remus could see that Dorian was gripping the tablecloth with unnecessary force.

"Oh, erm. Right, then. Well, we have to go," Cymbeline said in a bit of a rush, he face flushed. Dorian glared darkly at Remus as he left.

"Why'd you go and flirt with her, then? Didn't you know she was with Dorian?" Sirius hissed.

"No, I didn't know. And I wasn't flirting, we were just talking about my book. I don't see what you';re all in a fit about."

"I think Dorian's just a bit nervous, is all," soothed Lily. "They've only just gotten together."

"I thought he was bent," offered Peter.

"You think everyone's bent," James replied.

"I do not. I'm not bent, I don't think you are, or Sirius, or Kingsley, or..." he trailed off, looking at Remus.

"You think Remus is a poof?" Sirius asked, and Remus was grateful for the shock apparent in his voice.

"No," Peter said quickly. "I mean, it's just, that thing he used to do, with the books..."

"What thing?" Kallie sounded terrified. James started laughing.

"Please, Peter. You think Remus is a poof because he used to refer to books by the author's name?"

"Well, there was that time..." Sirius was laughing, now, too. Peter was looking chagrined and the girls shrugged their shoulders at each other. Remus put his face in his hands. Due to his habit - which he'd stopped after this incident - Peter had once delivered a message to James and Sirius at dinner that went, "Remus says will you please nick him some sausages and bread because he is not fit to come down and is in bed with Vergil." The Marauders knew that it was th day after a full moon and Remus was reading the _Aeneid_ , but the Slytherins felt the unfortunate wording called for some unsavory remarks to be made. They had all, of course, found themselves the next day, painted bright gold and locked in a room full of antsy nifflers, and no one had mentioned it again. Until now, that is.

"Peter, I'm not bent."

"Okay." Peter shrugged. Remus looked up and caught the girls exchanging Looks. He groaned.

"Lily, you wouldn't happen to know where the loo is, would you?" Bianca asked. They both got up.

"I'll come too," Kallie said, and jumped up to join them. Sirius took a sip of Remus' cocoa in the silence.

"I don't see why you let him do that," Peter said.

"Don't be silly, Remus loves when people share his food, don't you?" Sirius nudged Remus, who tried to roll his eyes as expressively as he could, to hide the fact that it was true. He was wary of kissing, as it could so easily lead to situations that could require great feats of self conscious avoidance and deception. Sharing food with someone, on the other hand, was mainly the same exchange of bodily fluids, usually required some degree of affection, and had none of the embarrassing consequences.

"You like it too, dontcha, Pete?" Sirius lunged for the chocolate croissant half eaten on Peter's plate before he could snatch it to safety. Peter glared as Sirius offered a piece to James, who turned it down, then to Remus, who only slightly guiltily accepted.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Wormtail," James reasoned. "You owe Moony for calling him a shirtlifter in public."

"I didn't, I just thought that - "

"Don't worry about it." Remus stood as he eyed the girls returning. He'd had enough attention for one day. "I'll just take _Sir Arthur_ ," he picked up his book, smiling wryly, "and go. See you back at the dorm. Lovely party, Prongs," he added, trying not to sound sarcastic. Chocolate, Remus thought, like Sirius, had a way of putting things right, even it if was a mystery how.

** ** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Thank you Oscar Wilde and Andre Gide, for unknowingly conspiring to give me a character name inspiration.  
> 2\. Extra apologies for Britishisms in this section.


	6. quidditch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see first chapter for notes

Remus decided that he needed no formal training in Divination to know that waking up to James shaking him so that he panicked and thrashed about and landed on the floor in a heap of twisted bedclothes, all in the effort to keep certain parts of his anatomy from being obvious, indicated that it would not, on the whole, be a good day.

"Y'alright there?" asked James, and when there was a nodded response, added, "Your alarm's off-key again. That's why I woke you - sorry for the surprise."

"S'okay," Remus mumbled, pulling a dressing gown around himself and piling the blankets back on the bed. He knew erections were healthy and normal; he suspected he got them less often than other boys, though, and, being a private person, wanted nothing more than to go directly to the shower and get rid of it before having to talk to anyone.

As Remus turned from his bed, Sirius came in from the shower, wrapped in a towel and shaking water from his hair like a dog. Remus sat down abruptly and put a hand to his stomach, which had made a motion as if to collapse in on itself.

"You okay?" asked Sirius, frowning and finger-combing his hair. James looked up from where he was shaking Peter awake.

"Yeah, just my stomach's gone funny."

"Must be nerves about the match," observed James. "I don't think Dorian's over your show with Cym last week. I'd watch out for Bludgers, if I were you."

"Oh, for the love of - I _wasn't_ flirting." Remus flung up his hands.

"Don't worry, Moony, I'll protect you," Sirius drawled and winked, pulling on his Quidditch robes. Remus moved a hand back to his stomach.

"Go have a wank. You'll feel better," Sirius suggested, and chuckled as Remus fled from the room, face scarlet as a Gryffindor flag.

**

The problem was that following Sirius' suggestion did not, in fact, make Remus feel better. His funny stomach feeling faded, but the thoughts of various girls and women were not as exciting as usual, and although his body jumped in traitorous response to thoughts of Sirius making cracks about how he would lose his virginity to a book, he quickly shrunk in shame at the possibility of it being true. Remus returned to dress, feeling mechanical and unsatisfied, as if not only in wanking, but also in life, he was just going through the motions and was missing some great secret to the enjoyment of it.

**

Remus walked out to the Quidditch pitch feeling empty and buzzing, as though he were a walking tower of Exploding Snap cards. Peter met him in the front stands, holding a Gryffindor flag and chattering about odds and points and somebody's new broom. When the match began, Remus watched his friends; James was really an amazing flyer - on a broom his grace surpassed Sirius'. Sirius was reckless on a broom, and impulsive, but serving as Beater helped him channel and discharge the rage and pain he had stored up from dealing with his family. Several times there had been suggestions that Sirius should be kicked off the Quidditch team as punishment for one or other prank, but the decision maker - usually Dumbledore - realized that Sirius had much greater potential for nuisance and destruction if he didn't have Quidditch as an outlet.

"...fancy him? But he's a Beater." Several younger Gryffindor girls had been moving through the stands and were now close behind Remus, talking loudly. He wondered if the player in question was Sirius or Kingsley.

"Well, that's part of it, innit? You know Beaters, have to fly no-handed most of the time, so they have strong thighs, to grip and ride the broom tightly." The girls dissolved into giggles at the speaker's suggestive tone. Remus realized suddenly that he was blushing and that his stomach had tried to swallow itself again. But as his brain tried to play catch up and sort out the situation, the whole crowd was brought to attention by James' shout of "MURRAY!" from somewhere below the stands. Moira, the Seeker, zipped by the stands towards a sparkling object hovering over the pitch. A collective gasp from the crowd anticipated the capture of the Snitch, when suddenly, there was a different gasp from Peter and a shriek from the girls behind them. A Bludger was hurtling towards the stands, with Dorian behind it, looking murderously at Remus. Remus had only time to fall back into sitting on the bench when a blur of scarlet and gold appeared out of nowhere; there was a crack like the entire Ministry Disapparating at once, and the Bludger was headed back to the center of the pitch.

A whistle blew; James and the Ravenclaw captain descended to the pitch, both gesticulating expressively. Sirius was hovering a bit high, to be out of the hearing range of the referees, and was cursing at Dorian in a torrent that made even Peter blush. Remus sat on the bench, clutching his chest, trying to ignore the curious whispers fueling up Rumor.

After a few minutes, James left the pitch as the Ravenclaws held a time out. He and Sirius drifted to the stands. James was angry but determined; Sirius looked wild. He was sweating and several strands of dark hair had pulled loose from their tie. His eyes were glowing and very, very wide. Remus' stomach flip-flopped. He tried to tell himself it was the Bludger.

"Is everyone alright? Moony, are you alright?" James asked in his most responsible voice. Remus heard the shuffling of nodded heards and had the distinct impression that everyone was looking at him.

"That foul git," said Sirius incredulously. "I didn't think he'd actually try it." He shook his head a few times, surfacing.

Remus managed to choke out, "Fine, I'm fine," to James' anxious looks before the whistle sounded again and James and Sirius flew back to the center. Dorian, chastised by his own team, turned yellow as the Gryffindors returned.

"Shall I hex him for you?" asked Peter eagerly, reaching for his wand whenever Dorian was in clear view.

"No, thanks, though. We don't want to jeopardize the match." Peter conceded that this was true.

"I don't know if it helps," said Lily suddenly in Remus' ear, "but Cymbeline is furious."

"Well, I should hope so. Especially since we _weren't_ flirting." Remus hissed.

Lily smiled. "You weren't, maybe, but Cym certainly was."

Remus blinked. "She was? Why?"

"'Why' he asks. Why do you think, Remus? She was interested in you. She thinks you're _mysterious_. Most of the girls do."

"That means 'sexy'," explained Peter, leaning over to Remus' side as Lily left. "Don't look so terrified," he continued, seeing Remus' expression. "You _want_ birds to think you're sexy. You should be happy."

"Right," Remus confirmed, but the shaky chuckle he managed sounded weak, even to him.

** ** **


	7. vengeance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see first chapter for notes

"It was a brilliant play, really," Sirius said over his shoulder as he climbed through the portrait hole followed by James.

"We know, Padfoot," said James, laughing. It had been several days since the match, and still Sirius was talking about his sensational save.

"I can't helpt it if it's my nature to come to the aid of... what's the phrase? Damsels in distress." Sirius laughed, collapsing into a squashy armchair.

"I'm not a damsel," Remus glared from a chair by the fireplace, putting down his book.

Sirius jumped up to snatch a chocolate frog from a pile on the floor. "Ah, but you _were_ in distress."

Remus grumbled. After a few minutes of silence Remus picked his book back up. James and Peter set up Peter's chess set. Sirius read his chocolate frog card. "I'm bored," he announced eventually. "Are there more damsels to rescue? Or at least Slytherins to hex?"

Peter looked up from where his bishop was brutally mauling James' knight. "We never hexed Regulus for jinxing Moony's mouth shut, did we?" He ignored Remus' hiss as James and Sirius both started.

"What? When did - "

"That bloody prat!"

"Forget it," Remus broke in loudly. "It was the morning he head about your uncle. He was just upset - " Sirius snorted.

"What did he say?" demanded James.

"Noth-"

"Called Remus a halfbreed, then glued his mouth shut. Took me nearly ten minutes to get the countercurse right. He didn't say anything to me, though," Peter supplied. James and Sirius were both on their feet. The chess board lay forgotten, abandoned pieces trudging dutifully back to their starting places.

"Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you _do_ anything?" James cried. Remus shifted in his seat. Sirius was looking at him curiously.

"You really are a damsel, aren't you, Moony?" Sirius asked softly, then, dramatically: "Fear not! I shall defend your honor. Again."

"Sirius, it's not - "

"No, Moony, since you lack the initiative, and James has Lily, and Peter has Kallie, I shall be the one to avenge you." He drew himself up with histrionic importance.

"What about Bianca?" Remus asked suspiciously, trying to change the subject.

Sirius abandoned his act and sat back down, waving a hand. "Are you kidding? That bird is bloody brilliant at dueling. No one would even dare besmirch her honor."

"Well, though I appreciate the offer, I don't find my honor besmirched, so there's no need for you to defend it." Remus wondered if the heat of the fire might account for the warm flush in his face.

"Think of the Marauders, then," suggested James. "We can't let anyone think they can attack us with impunity. Snivellus might get ideas!"

"Exactly!" shouted Peter.

"Please?" Sirius looked at Remus with great pale eyes, like a dog with a stick in the park.

"Fine." Remus sighed as the others cheered. "But don't call me a damsel - " he broke off as Sirius tackled him, knuckling his head.

"That's my girl."

**

Remus tried to go late to breakfast the next day, but Peter was sure to wake him so he could witness the genius of their prank. They had stayed up late in the dormitory the night before, whispering on James' bed, though Remus had picked up a book and retired to his own bed before the final plans had been set. Sirius had lamented that a prank was almost a waste unless it invloved Snape, but James had promised Lily that he wouldn't prank Snape again for no reason. Peter found a loophole, reminding them that it was alright to go after Snape for no reason, as long as they went after everybody. Remus had lost track of the plan when the others started filling a bag with a bottle of honey, some seeds Peter had from Herbology, the "L" volume of James' encyclopedia - partially chewed by Padfoot when he had been in a bad mood - and a box of crayons. They had disappeared for awhile, Peter as a rat so they could all fit under James' cloak, and returned late, looking smug and refusing to answer Remus' questions.

The Great Hall was in a small state of chaos, as each table dealt with a problem which had been partially charmed and partially painted onto the seats. Remus had barely finished his eggs when Professor McGonagall, looking world-weary, approached their table. "Black, Potter, Pettigrew, with me please." A pause. "Mr. Lupin, you'd probably best come as well."

"Is there a problem, Professor?" asked Sirius with a completely blank expression. Remus couldn't decide whether the fact that Sirius' skin was purple and his hair was white made him look more or less guilty. A kelly green and orange James got up to follow, along with yellow and pink Peter. Remus, blue and silver, sighed and abandoned the rest of his meal. He could see that Sirius and McGonagall were talking, but it was so loud in the hall - Slytherins swatting insects, Hufflepuffs shrieking in surprise, Ravenclaws yelling to be more intelligible - that he couldn't make out what they were saying.

"Be that as it may, Mr. Black," McGonagall continued as they reached the head table, "delighting us with your vibrant colors seems hardly a sacrifice for the Gryffindors to make. Whereas, the Hufflepuffs will find note-taking difficult as every inanimate object they touch turns into a flower - "

"Only for a second, though," Peter interrupted.

" - and the Ravenclaws will be useless in class for all that they are speaking in tongues. I'm sure you also realize no one will want the company of the Slytherin students, as insects seem to be swarming them." Another pause. "I suppose it would be exceedingly pointless to ask _why_ you four have chosen to afflict your fellow students in such a fashion?"

"Actually, Professor," Sirius began, "now that you mention it, it all started when we banded together to defend the foully besmirched honor of one of our own." He put a hand on Remus' arm, seeing him start to interject. "Then we realized that it would be cruel to leave everyone else out of the fun."

"And who, dare I ask, was the original target?"

"Ah, Minerva, I think I may have found him." Professor Slughorn was appraoching them, pushing Regulus, who, despite being covered in insects, was a definite shade of olive green, and was clutching his wand tightly, even though it turned into a rose and back every few seconds.

" _Alfares, ich ne fecit pas algun mono!_ " he cried, then shut his mouth to keep a large beetle from crawling into it. McGonagall looked at Regulus and then the marauders for a long moment, which Remus figured was covering for her surprise at not seeing Snape in Regulus' place.

"Well, young Mr. Black, perhaps you'd best report to the hospital wing, just to be safe."

"It'll all wear off by lunch time, Professor," James offered, then, looking at Regulus, "I mean, probably."

Sirius grabbed Regulus' arm as he pushed past and hissed, "Don't ever insult my friends again, you nancing muppet."

" _futuans asrja prodous_ ," Regulus hissed back.

"For the rest of you, detentions. I shall provide you with details at lunch. Now, get to class." She waved them away.

As the four of them trooped out of the hall, Remus was thinking wistfully of his unfinished tea when Peter, who had fallen back to talk to someone, rushed up.

"Guess what? Cymbeline's chucked Dorian."

"That was wise," Remus observed. "I think he's gone round the twist."

"But now you can date her, Moony," Peter explained, as if to a small child.

"I don't _want_ to date her, Wormtail," he snapped, and at Peter's expression, added, "and I'm not a poof." Peter went off to class, hands up in surrender.

"Easy, Moony," said James lightly as the three of them rounded a corner. "We believe you."

"Yes, we do." Remus stopped, arrested by Sirius' curious tone. Sirius was looking at him again, eyes like x-rays. "Yet you keep saying that. I wonder, Moony, who it is you're trying to convince."

** ** **


	8. futures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see first chapter for notes

It was several days until the marauders were at leisure to laze about the common room for an evening uninterrupted by detention. Peter used it to catch up on his homework. Remus, reading; James was trying to make up for lost time with Lily, which left Sirius alone and bored and trying valiantly to interest himself in a Quidditch magazine.

"Moony," he asked after a half hour of frowning and noisily flipping the glossy pages.

"Yes, Padfoot," replied Remus, automatically slipping a bookmark on to his page in case the book was suddenly snatched out of his hands in a bid for attention.

"Are you going to London for all of the Easter holidays?"

"Mostly, why?"

"It's just, well," Sirius glanced around surreptitiously and came over to sit next to Remus on the couch. "It's full moon next week. Don't you... I mean, I thought..."

Remus smiled in a way that he hoped was reassuring. Sirius actually looked a little hurt, which was not common for him. "Mum and I are checking out some job prospects and housing as well; it will be easier if I don't have to come all the way back to Hogwarts in the middle of the week. And James is going to visit Lily's family, isn't he? Besides, I ought to get used to it on my own again. Once we leave school, we won't be having adventures much anymore."

"What do you mean? Of course we'll be with you for full moon!"

"Sometimes, I'm sure, and grateful, believe me. But we won't have the same boundaries of location and schedule that made it okay in the first place. At any rate, we certainly can't go romping around London. If I find a place there, anyway."

"Moony," Sirius shifted on the couch so he was facing Remus. "Share a flat with me."

"What?"

"It's perfect. We both want to live in London, you need a flatmate, and I could use one so I don't blow all the money Uncle Alphard gave me. And I can be with you for the full moons."

Remus felt as if a very fluffy, feathery thing had taken up residence in his chest. He thought it might be hope. Yet... "What about Wormtail and Prongs?"

"They can come for full moon, too. And other times," Sirius added hastily as Peter looked up from his Charms essay.

"No, I meant - "

"Oh, well Wormtail's got to help out with his mum, haven't you?" Peter nodded. "And Prongs and Lily'll... well, I expect they'll want to get married soon, and they won't want me hanging about then, will they." Sirius glanced across the room to where James and Lily were talking closely by a window. He started picking fluff off the couch.

Remus put his book down, feeling a sudden sadness overtake him. Prongs married? Well, of course, that was expected, and he hoped he and Lily would be happy and have lots of green-eyed, floppy haired children with too much sense and no idea how to use it. But that meant no more pranks and Sirius-James wrestling and whispering late into the night and they would have to be responsible and maybe Peter would get married too, or Sirius, or he would - No, Remus decided. It was easy to picture James and Lily at a church, exchanging rings, but he almost laughed aloud trying to picture himself next to some nameless, faceless witch in a ridiculous dress that looked like a pudding James' mother had sent them once. Peter, he could see, almost, having a house and someone to make him eggs in the morning; and Sirius he could picture looking blindingly elegant in a Muggle tux, but the thought faded and Remus' fluffy, feathery ball of hope was crushed by a coldness like a raging erumpent when he tried to picture a witch standing next to Sirius at an altar. Ah well. Probably Sirius wasn't the marrying type. Remus shivered, nonetheless.

"Moony?"

Remus jumped. Sirius was looking at him again. "Oh, erm... well. I don't know... I... I'll have to talk to my parents... and... see if I get a job and all."

Sirius nodded, oddly quiet and uninsistent. Maybe, Remus thought, he figures I'll say yes anyway. And he wondered why he _hadn't_ said yes right off. Wouldn't it be better to live with a mate than one of his mother's friends, or a Muggle relative? And there was no denying that full moons would be easier, even if he was caged up and only Padfoot was there. But there was still another little voice telling him that it was a bad idea. Trouble was, Remus didn't know which voice was the rational one.

** ** **


	9. games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see first chapter for notes.
> 
> this is the last chapter I wrote.

The Easter holidays were tedious and painful for Remus. Not only had there been the full moon, during which the wolf had been rabid and raving to find himself alone and locked in a the basement again, leaving Remus raw, sore, broken, and with a fantastic gash down his thigh that made it difficult to walk, but he had also spent his days visiting relatives and meeting friends of his mother, and having tea and chatting with them, which exhausted him nearly as much as the moon had.

There were two bright notes, he'd decided, though. One, they'd found a few shops that he thought might be alright to work in, and had even set up an interview for a few weeks later. Two, when Remus had mentioned the possibility of getting a flat with Sirius, his mother had pursed her lips in such a disapproving and repulsive way that Remus decided that the "say yes you daft plonker" voices in his head should win out, and he was hoping Sirius would bring up the offer again so he could properly accept.

He was slightly annoyed, therefore, upon returning to Hogwarts, to find a note attached to his pillow with vague directions and promises of revelry, excess, and chocolate - this last added, Remus decided, no doubt to ensure that he would come. His annoyance grew during the arduous trek to the location, which was well away from the castle, by the Forest on the far side of the Quidditch pitch, for, although it was still the holidays and it was unlikely anyone - staff or student - would be out looking for mischief or mischief-makers, the debauchery planned certainly would involve some sort of illegal substance that was best enjoyed far from any prying eyes. Remus could appreciate this of course, but the process to get there made him very aware of the gash in his leg and the reason for it, and, having spent the past week and a half among unflinchingly polite but revolted wizards and concerned and assuming Muggles, Remus wanted only to spend time _alone_ with his friends, who knew what he was (halfblood, halfbreed, scarred, broken, damaged, unwhole, impure, monster) and yet loved him enough that even he could sometimes believe that it was okay, that he was okay.

Nonetheless, not wanting to spoil the party, Remus concentrated on squelching the miasma of self-pity and managed a smile that quickly turned genuine when he at last reached his destination and was greeted by joyful shouts and wide-eyed, silent expressions of concern at the limp he'd acquired on the way. James and Sirius had left the small group and hurried to meet him; James was striding over first and shaking Remus' hand vigorously. "Everything alright?" he asked with concern.

"Fine, just a bad night."

"Moony, Moony, Moony," laughed Sirius, running up to them. "What happened?"

"Kneazle-wrestling, you know." Remus attempted casualness.

"We should have been there," Sirius said in a low voice, accusatory in tone, but not, Remus thought, towards him. More like towards the holidays, or the calendar, or the universe.

"I'm glad to be back," Remus smiled, avoiding a response, because he knew that Sirius was right. "What exactly is it that you're doing? Where's Pete?"he added, changing the subject as they approached the rest of the group.

"Moony?" came the answer. Peter was sitting on the ground looking unfocused and slightly green. Kallie gave Remus a quick smile as she concentrated on holding Peter up long enough to get him a goblet of water.

"Perfect timing, Lupin," Bianca drawled, stepping towards him from a pile of firewhiskey bottles. "Pettigrew will boot if he tries another round. You can take his place."

"I was promised chocolate," Remus reminded Sirius, feeling strangely uncomfortable.

"Oh, here," James tossed him a choclate frog from another pile, which Lily and another witch - Remus recognized her as Thistle Burnham - were fussing over. He bit the head viciously off the chocolate frog, feeling exceptionally slow. His friends were trying to set him up with Thistle, finally, and had planned a secret party with lots of alcohol and, Remus imagined, forced displays of affection and intimacy in order to effect some sort of romantic or at least lustful atmosphere. Of course, Remus decided, it was not really all about him; perhaps they had just arranged for Thistle to come to even out the gender ratio to make it easier for the established couples to take advantage of lowered inhibitions.

"You'll need to catch up, mate," said Sirius, handing Remus a shot of firewhiskey and another chocolate. "I'll explain the game. We're using these chocolate frog cards - best memorize these seven or you'll be out of it faster than Peter." He shoved the cards into Remus' hands. Remus sorted through the famous witches and wizards: there was Alberic, Cliodna, Hengist, Hermes Trimestigus, Merlin, Paracelsus, and Ptolemy, all looking distinctly ruffled. He got t he impression they had been shuffled and tossed around quite a bit.

"So, at the beginning of each round, we each get a card. One person - Thistle this time - tosses the quaffle up and shouts a name from the cards - say 'Merlin.' Whoever's got Merlin has to try to get the quaffle and run to the firewhiskey pile, but whoever has who's next in the list has to do the same. Meanwhile, whoever has the third card after the one called has to run and catch whoever threw the quaffle before he or she reaches the Quidditch stands. Simple," Sirius explained.

"When does the firewhiskey come in?" Remus asked, mind reeling, and guessing the complexity of the game had been an integral factor in Peter's current state.

"Well, if you mess up or do the wrong thing, then you drink - that's why Wormtail's turned green. But also, the person who chased the quaffle but didn't get it has to drink, if the person who called out the name on the card doesn't make it to the pitch... and," Sirius hesitated, failing utterly at nonchalance, "if they don't make it to the pitch, they kiss the person who caught the quaffle."

"What happens if somebody _does_ reach the stands?" Remus asked. Sirius had the grace to look uncomfortable, confirming Remus' suspicions about the true motives of their little party.

"Erm... that hasn't happened yet."

Remus poured himself another shot.

James passed out the cards, then handed the quaffle to Thistle. Remus frantically tried to remember the order they were using when Thistle launched the oddly shaped ball into the air, shouted "Cliodna," and tore off towards the pitch. Bianca immediately went after her. It wasn't until he saw Kallie chasing after the quaffle that Remus realized that his card had been Cliodna, and he was meant to chase the quaffle as well. He caught up with it easily - Kallie had had nearly as much to drink as Peter - and reached the pile of firewhiskey bottle in time to see Bianca practically flatten Thistle at least several meters from the Quidditch pitch. Remus felt a spasm as stomach seemed to sink and his heart seemed to jump into his throat. Thistle had to kiss him now.

They walked back to the center of their make-shift pitch; Remus was gripping the quaffle tightly. He was dimly aware of Kallie noisily pouring herself a shot. The others seemed to be doing their best not to stare curiously at him. Thistle was walking towards him. She was really quite pretty, he thought. Remus did not generally find such pale blonde hair attractive, but Thistle's seemed to fit her, just as James' impossibly wild hair fit him. And, Remus noticed as she moved closer, Thistle's eyes were a very peculiar shade of blue. Almost violet. He was about to make a remark about how well her eyes matched her name when suddenly she was kissing him. Her lips were warm and slightly moist, and very very soft. Just as Remus realized he hadn't responded in the usual way, that is, by kissing in return, Thistle pulled away. A shadow darkened her eyes a moment.

"Sorry, I ... erm... I didn't... I mean, I was looking at your eyes, I didn't... I didn't see you," Remus finished lamely. His friends chuckled, for some reason heralding this as an appropriate response. Thistle smiled and a little color warmed her face.

"That's okay."

"Shall we continue?" asked Bianca, sounding bored.

"Right," said James, passing round the cards again. Remus breathed out.

**

Bianca threw the quaffle, James chased her, Remus and Lily fought unenthusiastically for the ball. Lily doubled over, complaining of a stitch in her side. Remus remembered his leg had been hurting and brought back his limp. True, it didn't actually hurt; firewhiskey was a wonderful thing, but one awkward kiss was enough for one night. He could already picture the taunts he would get about his 'looking at your eyes' remark. Remus was glad Peter was out of sorts; being the least clever of the Marauders, Peter's taunts were always the meanest.

There was a shout as James caught Bianca. Neither Lily nor Remus had gotten the quaffle yet. In fact, Remus had lost track of it.

"Hey Moony," came Peter's groggy voice. Remus looked around to see Peter tossing the red ball to him. He caught it on instinct, heard James shout "Aha!" and dropped it.

Bianca trotted over to him, the white patch of her hair shining like a ghost whispering in her ear. She put her hands on Remus' shoulders and pressed her full lips to the corner of his mouth, hard and extremely fast, and she actually pushed off his shoulders in her haste to get away again. Remus stumbled back into Sirius.

"Now that wasn't so bad, was it, Moony?" he murmured. Remus gave a snort of what he hoped was disgust tempered by righteous indignation, and stalked over to James and the girls.

The next round found Remus releasing some frustration by chasing James and knocking himn to the ground. They wrestled a bit, till James surrendered, laughing at Remus' "sudden enthusiasm for the game." Getting up, they watched Lily and Sirius fighting over the quaffle, each trying to pry it out of the other's hands before they reached the bottles. Remus thought that, if it had been he, and not Sirius, he would have deferred to Lily. But Sirius seemed to delight in tormenting Lily and James by denying them a recreationally sanctioned kiss. At least Lily was laughing when Sirius held up the quaffle in a victory dance.

"If you two kiss, I'm going to need a larger drink," Lily said as Sirius handed her a shot. This started them laughing again, and James came up to Sirius and gave him a loud, wet smack full on the lips. They broke away, laughing even harder. Lily drank another shot.

Another round. Remus threw the quaffle and shouted "Alberic," sprinting off towards freedom. He heard someone clumsily chasing him, and figured it was Kallie. Remus breathed a sigh, knowing he could outrun her, drunk as she was, when he stepped hard on a stone pointing dangerously up out of the ground. A shock of pain bolted like lightning up to the recent wound on his thigh. He stumbled, and Kallie charged him from the side like a bull.

"Aughhh!" Remus shouted into the grass. Quite suddenly his leg _did_ hurt, and he realized he was tired, and he didn't want to kiss anybody or drink anything. He just wanted to go straight to bed and sleep.

Sirius had caught the quaffle again, with only a coy fight from Bianca. James and Sirius were both still laughing from their previous round.

"Lay one on me, Moony!" shouted Sirius, arms outstretched. It occurred to Remus that the others had probably had a lot more to drink than he had previously thought.

"Will you take a rain check, Pads? I'm... I'm not... I don't... I hurt my leg again."

"You don't need your leg for a kiss, Remus." Sirius was very close to him. All of them were suddenly very close to him, even Peter. When had he gotten up?

"I'm sorry, Sirius, I don't feel well. I'd rather just go back to the dorm."

"That's sudden," snapped Kallie, as if she expected Remus to blame it on her.

"So kiss Padfoot and go back. Peter can play again," reasoned James.

"No, I... I'd really rather not."

"Why not?" asked Sirius sharply. Remus let out a puff of air and tried to tell him with a look, pleading Sirius or James or Peter to remember how hard it was for him to be comfortable with any sort of casual intimacy.

"Well?" Sirius pressed, stepping forward. His eyes were glinting. Remus sighed.

"Because I don't like games that involve... kissing..." He tried to swallow the last bit. It was not exactly how he had meant to say that.

"Oh, oh, but it wasn't too awful to kiss Thistle and Bianca, it's just me, is it, I'm not good enough?" Sirius yelled. Remus shook his head, dizzied by the speed at which this had grown serious.

"No, no, it's not that. It's, it's... oh you bloody well know I don't like kissing people I don't know." Remus snapped, glaring at Thistle and her violet eyes. It took him a second too long to realize that this had not been what he'd meant to say either.

"Don't know? What the bloody hell am I meant to think about that, Remus? When we've spent the past seven years doing practically everything together? I'm your... me and James and Peter, we're your best mates, and you don't know us? After what we've done for you?"

Remus inhaled sharply, afraid of where this was going. "No, Sirius, shut it. I didn't mean it that way. Just please, I'm tired and you're drunk, let's please talk about this later before one of us says something he may regret."

"Such as what, Moony?"

"You _know_ what, Pads. That's why I told you to shut it." Remus turned and started the long walk back to Gryffindor.

"It's just a kiss; it doesn't even mean anything!" Sirius shouted behind him.

"If it doesn't mean anything, why are you making such a big deal about it?"

"You're the one who wouldn't just bloody do it."

"Did it ever occur to you, Sirius, that maybe not everyone wants to kiss you?"

"So it is about me."

"Yes, Pads, it's always all about you," Remus said bitterly. His mouth tasted like metal and he couldn't believe what he was saying.

"Remus," James said quietly, a warning and a plea.

Remus flung up his hands as he walked away, choking "I can't" into the darkness. As soon as he was out of sight, he leaned over and vomited violently onto the grass.

** ** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot actually believe myself that I stopped at that point, because the angst still gets me, five years later. HOWEVER. It is just clueless boys being clueless, and Remus and Sirius absolutely do end up together, because that is the Universe I would like to exist. (as far as I recall, there is some more angst, then another attack involving Fenrir, and some h/c, from S to R, and then boy!kissing and happily ever after. Perhaps I will continue it at some point.)
> 
> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Thank you also to Petronius Arbiter, Gaius Plinius Secundus, and various Romans, for the word "versipellis," which helped me think of the title on a moment's notice, as this story has not had one until this night.


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